The very beginning of the year isn’t usually the time when I manage to do a yearly review and plans for the new year. I’m always delayed in the process as I may be more in tuned with the Chinese calendar, which New year is in February!
This year is slightly different. Somehow, a little piece of me, feels more optimistic. The “New Year, New You” vibe is stronger this year. Not super strong, either and not for the resolutions you might expect.
A small part of me is embracing it and enjoying it. Already working hard on catching up on projects that are dear to my heart.
But part of me is being extra cautious and doesn’t want to give into such vibe wholly. For the past year, every time I did embrace, it came back, bitting hard, and left me bruised.
But this year is going to be different! Something I’ve been telling myself… every year! And yes, every year has been different! Not the way I wanted it to, though.
So, yeah, I’m torn apart by totally opposite feelings! Which is understandable considering what I’ve been through these last couple years…
A tiny recap of previous years, in case you are new here
If you landed on this article by mistake, or maybe by chance who knows, and had never been around, I can give you a small recap of what it has been like for me these few last years:
In 2015, I relaunched RTatW and decided to take it seriously. Creating mini guides and maps and having so many ideas of things I wanted to do. By the end of 2016, my yearly review was all cheery and I was ready to tackle even more new projects. The future was looking bright!
First half of 2017 was great! I was living my life blissfully unaware of what was to come. But my mom passed away and life wasn’t bright at all anymore. My world was turned around.
First half of 2018, I was just a shadow of myself. Grieving while trying to put a brave face on, for my dad. He was not doing well and I needed to take care of him. As the year progressed, I was also dreading the first anniversary of my mom’s passing.
Life kicked me in the guts again and as dad’s health was degrading, we learned he had to have heart surgery. Like a jolt of lightning, this struck me and got my out of my grief. Loosing my dad was the thing I had been dreading most, as I was selfishly not ready to become an adult orphan.
From there, I lived through the darkest hours of my life. Again trying to put a brave face on. My dad is ok! He is actually doing great.
My heart got an extra scar. It is still sore.
Looking forward to 2019?
2018 somehow, miraculously, ended on a positive note, since my dad is doing so much better. On my side, I do feel a certain relief. A gloomy veil that covered my sight has been lifted. I feel lighter.
But I am scared to look forward. I am scared to make any plans, to allow myself to feel true joy, to feel at all. I am scared of it being taken away instantly. It seems like, these past years, every time I did surrender to happiness, something bad happened. As the saying goes: once bitten, twice shy.
So what are my options?
I know, I have to accept that my dad won’t live forever.
Blank… The page stayed blank after I wrote this. For quite a while… tears had to dry…
I know it. Yet, writing it was like stabbing myself. And I don’t know where to go from here.
I just know that for now, at this point, I just take it one day at a time. I refused to have a journal in 2018 but I bought one for 2019. Not to plan things despite all the pages dedicated to goals and plans, in the one I bought. But to write each day’s achievements. To recall each day for what it was and give thanks.
I’m afraid I won’t plan any serious great road trip this year. Last year failure is still too vibrant in my mind, at least for now.
There are a couple RTatW related projects I had started in 2018, which I want to see through. If I can.
To be fair, I’m amaze I pull out my New 7 wonders of the World map in 2018! And this Roman mini guide. And my road trip map to Denmark! How did I manage those, in the mist of everything? So maybe I will manage some of my projects in 2019, after all!?
Now each time I write one of these updates, 2 things happen: 1- it gets more and more personal. 2 – my planning and expectations are lower and lower!
On that last point, if you’ve been around you may have noticed the not so subtle change. It started as: “yeah, this is coming!” Than it became: “oops, just a little delay” Later, it was more “ok, I am considering…” and nowadays it’s more like “whatever happens, will see”. Is this surrender?
A depth year
If surrendering is what is going on, then so be it!
It so happens to match perfectly with the concept of a ‘depth year’ which I recently discovered in this article from TreeHugger. As the writer puts it, for a year, you should: “Forget trying to broaden your horizons. Focus on deepening them instead.“
And this resonated with me deeply.
For years on, every September, I used to register for new classes. 3D design, photography, yoga, drawing, graphic design, computer stuff, tango and even other type of stuff, I’m not ready to divulgue!
In 2018, I didn’t. I couldn’t. Grieving puts and alt on all things.
Well, ok I did start learning mechanics! But that’s different.
I’m happy to have done so all these years. But I realized, I haven’t really mastered any of those fields. I kept learning new skills without going in depth with any of them. Like a kid attracted to new toys.
In 2019, I’m not going to take any sort of new classes. I’m just going to practice the skills I have learned, with the tools I have.
I have plenty of projects, I want to see through, which require exactly the skills I have learned over the years, so that is perfect.
A depth year is a minimalist approach to life and happiness. The concept fits with my surrender, don’t you think?!
And that’s that. No shiny new toys for me. No extravagant plans that I won’t see through. Almost no plans at all, actually… apart from taking care of my dad and myself. That’s a hand full already!
What to expect on RTatW in 2019
As I’ve mentioned several time before, I have so many backlog on RTatW, that I could stop traveling for a year and you wouldn’t notice!
So I will try my best to keep writing about UNESCO World Heritage sites and all the other places I love. I will try to create at least one or 2 new maps, this year. And I will work on my bigger projects as much as I can.
Not much difference really. Except for the new Indian Scout category which will keep growing!
I still have a huge amount of updates to make to the site on older articles and I am dreaming of a revamp, a design revamp! Will see…
If there is something you are eager to see on RTatW, do pop me an email at:
Miss Coco travel @ gmail . com
I wish you the best possible New Year!
Just in case someone is interested and feels a bit like wearing warning signs in 2019…
